A lawyer's grocery list

As reported below, someone thinks that lawyers "as a rule can't write a coherent shopping list." I beg to differ. Just the other day, while shopping at the local Food Czar, I found a shopping list that someone stuck between the Dewars and the Chivas. (Yes, the grocery stores in New Orleans sell the hard stuff.) Always on the lookout for good examples of legal writing, I put the list in my pocket (and a large-size bottle of Dewars in my shopping cart). Here it is.

REQUEST FOR PROCUREMENT OF GROCERIES AND THINGS

Now comes the undersigned, and propounds this Request for Procurement of Groceries and Things, to be obtained at the Food Czar closest to the undersigned's abode (hereinafter referred to as "the Food Czar").

Instructions

1. These groceries and things are to be obtained at the Food Czar during that establishment's normal hours of business.
2. In the event that an item on this Request cannot be found at the Food Czar, this request may be complied with by obtaining the like kind and quantity of said item at another establishment selling goods and items similar to those normally obtained at the Food Czar, provided that the consideration is "reasonable" as that term is defined hereinbelow. Alternatively, this Request may be complied with by returning to the Food Czar to obtain said item on a date and at a time when said item can be found in stock.
3. Items with an "Expiration Date" denoting a point in time before the date that these items are obtained from the Food Czar are not to be purchased.

Definitions

As used in this Request, the terms listed below are defined as follows:

1. "Bread" shall refer to certain baked cereal goods, and more particularly that food made chiefly from moistened, leavened wheet flour or meal, kneaded and baked.
2. "Eggs" shall refer to certain oval, thin-shelled ova of a bird, especially that of domestic fowl, used as food, and generally sold in groups of 12, said groups colloquially referred to as "dozen."
3. "Expiration Date" shall refer to a date stamped or marked in ink on the item in question, generally denoted by the abbreviation "Exp." or the phrase "Sell by."
4. Milk" shall refer to those secretions from the mammary glands of bovines, properly pasteurized and homogenized, and kept at temperatures above freezing but below the point that would foster the growth of bacteria.
5. "Reasonable," when used in reference to the consideration given in exchange for the items listed herein, shall mean a consideration that is at or below the retail price suggested by the manufacturer for said item.

Items Requested

Please obtain the items listed hereinbelow:

1. One dozen eggs.
2. One loaf white bread.
3. One box of condoms, junior size.
4. One bottle Grecian Formula 16.
5. Two cases Dewars.

Comments

[Richard]

You use Grecian Formula?

[Lisa]

There Richard goes, making me laugh again.

We have a store called Food Czar in New Orleans?? (I need to get out and about more often.)

[Eh Nonymous]

"junior size"?

It is to laugh.

Nice list.

If I ever write up discovery requests from scratch, let alone draft a contract, I will have two goals:

- it will be impossible for the other side to wiggle out, because I will plug every hole, if necessary by including instructions such as "If any discovery request produces no relevant documents or does not make sense, it is incumbent upon the recipient to let us know, so that we can discuss a substitute request."

- it will be impossible for a judge to fail to get our drift, if you dig, because we will not use words or phrases like hereinbelow or "colloquially known as dozen." That is, we will ask for "a dozen eggs, or however many you have, or can locate; if not, explain why." That's why requests for admission plus written questions plus document requests are such a nice combo.

Also, you forgot the jumper cables and jumbo family-size kleenex.